


Elizabeth Gone

by brocanteur



Series: To Bedlam and Part Way Back [5]
Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, F/F, Hate Sex, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-06
Updated: 2011-12-06
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:38:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brocanteur/pseuds/brocanteur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Roundview's exactly the same. Everything's exactly the same, and totally fucking different."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Elizabeth Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Titles and opening quotes stolen from Anne Sexton.

 

_Then I sorted your clothes and the loves you had left, Elizabeth, Elizabeth, until you were gone._

\--

When Katie wakes up on the first day of college, she feels a momentary panic.

The alarm goes off and Emily gets out of bed. Katie keeps her eyes shut as she listens to the sounds of Emily getting ready, going through her wardrobe, picking out her clothes. After a few minutes, the door opens and Katie can make out the distant sound of the shower running.

She doesn’t move.

A while later, Katie doesn’t know how long, Emily shakes her shoulder. “Come on, wake up” she says, though Katie hasn’t been sleeping. “We’ll be late.”

“I can’t,” Katie says.

“Can’t what?”

“Get up.”

Emily smiles condescendingly, and it makes Katie glower in response. "Come on, Katie, this is ridic--"

"I can't fucking go back there, Emily," she says, the panic pushing down on her chest, making her sound all of five. She swallows hard and turns to press her face in the comforting give of her pillow.

"Christ, Katie," Emily says quietly. She pats Katie's shoulder, and Katie has the unreasonable urge to scream. "No one remembers, okay? It's all just--"

" _No one?_ I fucking remember, yeah? _I do._ I mean, Effy..." She stops cold.

"Effy? Effy hasn't been around in ages. For all we know, she's fucked off to London and won't be back ever again."

"You don't know anything, do you?"

Emily leans back, grows serious. "What don't I know?"

" _Anything._ "

\--

Roundview's exactly the same. Everything's exactly the same, and totally fucking different.

There's no boyfriend to drop them off, for one, so they walk to college. _With Naomi_.

Katie tries to ignore the things Emily and Naomi say, because they hardly talk to her anyway and she wouldn't care even if they did. Instead she concentrates on the things that matter: smooths down her new skirt; takes out her mirror to check her makeup, her hair. Her tits look fucking mint in this top.

She isn't sure who she's dressing for except herself, but for now that's good enough.

At least she knows she'll be the best-looking one there, Effy Stonem be fucked.

"What are you laughing about?" Naomi asks curiously, her mouth turned up in an arrogant smile.

"Was I laughing?"

Emily nods, looking pleased that Katie's pulled herself out of her earlier mood without heavy intervention. "Yeah. What's so funny, then?"

"Nothing," she replies, just as they turn towards the college entrance, then thinks better of it, because, whatever. "I mean, Christ, it's the last of it, isn't it? The last year of college and then we're free to get out of sodding _Bristol._ "

She watches Emily and Naomi exchange a look, and it dawns on her that they probably don't want this to end. That they're well satisfied with the way things are going because once it's over...

_Shit._

She knows the minute her face falls, because Emily puts a hand on her arm and starts to ask, "Katie?" but then turns to look in the direction Katie's fixed on, and it's plain she understands immediately.

"Oh," Naomi says, fucking font of wisdom. "Looks like she didn't fuck off after all."

Katie swallows down the last bit of her surprise. It wasn't like she hadn't known. Of course Effy's back at fucking college. Of course they'll be seeing each other _every fucking day._ "You're, like, a regular Sherlock fucking Holmes, aren't you, Naomi?"

"Yeah," Naomi snipes, "it's almost like I was the one who was hit over the head with a fucking rock or something."

"Fuck you and your fucking..." Katie's going to say something about Naomi's horrendous attire and her stupid _face_ , but all of her words die in her throat when she looks up to see Effy staring back at her.

She's smoking, sitting by herself on a low wall. Her shirt dress is ridiculously short, of fucking course. Katie can't really help it that her eyes travel down the hem of the dress to Effy's long legs. Katie knows she’s staring, _admiring_ …

Emily puts an arm around Katie's waist and whispers, "She can't hurt you, okay?"

She loses it. Katie loses it. She bends at the waist and starts laughing so hard she think she'll dislodge something vital if she keeps it up.

"She's gone mental," she hears Naomi say.

Emily just looks at her like she's grown another head. "Fuck's sake, Katie."

"God." She exhales roughly, takes several shuddering breaths that end in half-chortles. She's laughed so hard she's got tears running down her cheeks. "I have to, like, clean up," she manages, already walking towards the building ahead of Emily and Naomi. She waves at them brusquely and calls out, "See you inside, yeah?"

\--

The bathroom's so full of twats Katie can barely push her way in to use a sink. She curses under her breath when she finally sees the ridiculous state of her face, and reaches into her bag for something to clean up the mess she's made of her eye makeup.

"Tears of joy, no doubt."

Katie starts badly enough to drop her bag and half the girls crowding around the mirror turn to look. Katie doesn't turn. She knows who the voice belongs to, and all it takes is a glance in the mirror to see familiar blue eyes gazing back at her.

Someone starts murmuring about Effy Stonem and Katie Fitch and Freddie McLair and _the woods_. Soon a very brave, or very stupid, girl asks, "Didn't she almost kill you or something?"

"Fuck off," Katie replies coldly, trying to keep herself composed as she reapplies her mascara. It takes a monumental effort and it's not really her fault her hand trembles.

Another girl, an exceedingly stupid one, turns to Effy and says, "Hit her with a rock, didn't you?"

Katie winces and watches the exchange through the mirror, watches as Effy stands at full height and... It'd be fucking comical, thinking of Effy as anywhere near intimidating, but as she crosses her arms and looks the girl up and down, a chill settles over the room.

The whispering dies down and when Effy says, "Get the fuck out of here," the girl leaves, eyeing Effy with a mixture of admiration and fright.

Effy just rolls her eyes and catches Katie's attention by saying, "I need to talk to you." She says it right in front of fucking _everyone._

Katie doesn't know how to react except to say, "Are you fucking mental?"

Effy's face remains impassive. "Now, Katie," she says lazily. Her mouth curls into an almost-smile and Katie feels herself dangerously close to exploding with rage.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, yeah," Katie murmurs as she slowly, deliberately, reapplies her lip gloss. "But you don't get to tell me what to do. So, like, fuck off."

She's barely had time to put the cap back over the tube when Effy's hand wraps around her wrist and she's being tugged out of the bathroom so forcefully she almost drops her bag again. The earlier whispering is replaced by out and out laughter, and people watch them go like they're the biggest freaks in the school.

Their final destination is an empty classroom and that's when Katie's shaken away the shock enough to pull out of Effy's grasp. She slaps Effy across the face, and it's not even all that hard but, Christ, she's so fucking angry.

Effy pushes her against the nearest wall and kisses her so hard her mouth aches after the first few seconds.

"Jesus," Katie exhales, tearing herself away enough to suck air into her lungs. "Is that how you react anytime someone hits you?"

"You're the only person who's ever hit me."

Katie doesn't know how to respond. She thinks maybe she should be sorry, but she's not. Won't be. "We can't do this _here_. What the fuck is _wrong_ with you? Fucking--"

"Shut up, Katie," Effy says, and she almost looks pained when she says it. It's enough for Katie to stop altogether, to grip tightly at Effy's waist and to pull her into a different sort of kiss, deep and slow; the sort Katie usually can't stand.

Effy's expression is dazed when Katie leans back and says, quietly, "Don't fucking do that to me, okay? Not again."

"Katie..."

"Just let me be normal here, Effy. Christ's sake, is it so fucking hard? Be a person for once, and not a complete twat, yeah?"

Effy steps back and her face goes blank. "Yeah, sure," she says. "A person."

Katie snorts and rolls her eyes reflexively. "You're such a fucking child, you know that?"

"Of course, Katie," Effy responds, her eyes narrowing. " _I'm_ a child. You're the one who can't get over--" She stops and shakes her head, laughs as she keeps her gaze trained on the ceiling. "Right. Fuck it. Nevermind, okay?"

"What the fuck are we even doing here?" Katie asks, unable to keep a measure of disgust from her voice. A wave of self-loathing washes over her and, belatedly, she wipes her mouth. "I mean, _what the fuck?_ "

Effy shrugs and murmurs, "Tell me we should stop, then."

Katie freezes, and her chest contracts painfully. "What?"

"Tell me we should stop fucking."

"We are __not__ fucking, okay? When you say it like that, it makes it seem like something, I don't know, regular--"

"And it's not," Effy says. "Regular."

" _No._ "

"So, we fuck, often, but we're not _fucking_ ," Effy continues, smiling bitterly. "Wow, Katie, your distinctions are even tidier than mine. Brilliant."

"Look," Katie says slowly, gritting her teeth, "we don't have to stop, okay, just don't fucking act like it's more than that."

"When did I ever give you the impression it was more than that, Katie?" Effy asks coldly. Then she adds, almost wearily, "Whatever. Back to our neutral corners, right?"

When she turns to go, Katie grabs Effy's elbow and holds her still, but she can't come up with any words. At Effy's impatient glare, she just shakes her head slowly and digs her fingers into Effy's arm.

_" _What?_ "_

"You'll see me later, yeah?"

"What for, Katie?"

Katie pulls on Effy's arm, hard enough that she stumbles close, and they're nearly toe-to-toe. "Don't be a cunt, okay? I know you don't fucking care, but I don't like being laughed at, and back there, when they said--"

"Okay," Effy interrupts. "Okay, we'll go somewhere." She pauses and shrugs. "We'll get fucked up."

Katie nods, amazed at the sudden relief that floods through her. She loosens her hold on Effy's arm, but doesn't let go, just looks away and murmurs, her face growing hot, "Look, I won't, like, hit you again."

"I don't care."

Katie frowns, but when she looks up at Effy's face there's nothing there. Nothing. "Yeah, well, I do."

Effy shrugs. "Just don't make it a promise," she says. "Don't promise me anything, ever."

"Right." When she finally releases Effy's arm, she sees she's left nail marks. She flinches, feels sick all over again. "Sorry."

Effy's sigh echoes through the room. She looks briefly at her arm, and then at Katie, her expression revealing nothing but mild frustration. "What's the point in being sorry?" She leans forward and kisses Katie again, almost chastely and adds, "Do you want me to ignore you? Out there?"

Out of nowhere, the panic Katie felt that morning, the panic of being back at Roundview, of being a joke, returns. "Christ," she whispers, putting a hand to her head as she tips back against the wall. "Yeah. Ignore me. Don't even, don't even fucking look at me."

Effy steps back and nods. "Done," she says, and it’s that simple. That easy.

When she's alone, Katie has to remind herself not to cry.

\---

Emily finds her, sometime near the end of the lunch break, sneaking a fag.

"Hey," she says. "We were looking for you."

"Looked really hard, did you?" Katie asks.

Emily rolls her eyes, like she's not in the mood to placate. Katie's glad, because she sure as fuck doesn't want to hear Emily's sympathetic noises.

"Did you run into her?"

"Who?"

"Who do you think?" Emily asks, a bit peevishly.

"Yeah," Katie replies without further explanation. She drops the cigarette and leaves it to burn as she reaches into her purse for her compact. When Emily doesn't stop staring in that unnerving way of hers, she says, "And she didn't fucking hit me or whatever, so that's progress."

Emily nods and asks for a fag. She's smoked a third of it before asking, "All right, then?"

Katie doesn't know what Emily means by _all right_ , but it doesn't really matter. "Yeah, maybe."

\--

The rest of the day goes by in a blur.

She sees Freddie, standing by Effy's locker, looking so sad and pathetic, Katie almost feels sorry for him. When he sees her, he looks immediately surprised, then guilty, like she's still his girlfriend. Like he doesn't get that he doesn't matter anymore, not even a little bit. She turns quickly in the opposite direction, because the memory of what it was like, the memory of the humiliation, is making her light-headed. He doesn't call out her name, and she's grateful they can ignore each other, at least.

She hasn't quite made it to the end of the hall when she nearly collides with Cook. And he's a different sort of pathetic, she thinks, but he's grinning at her rather stupidly, so she won't say so to his face. She mumbles a hello because, whatever, no hard feelings; Cook never fucked anyone over save himself.

His smile turns lecherous and Katie thinks he'll say something about her tits, would welcome it actually, but then he looks over her shoulder and, whatever he sees, it hardens his face, deadens his eyes.

It's only when she's turned to look that she knows she shouldn't have.

Effy's leaning against her locker, almost casually, and Freddie's standing in front of her, his hands in his pockets, bent over at the waist because he's so fucking tall; he's leaning in very, very close. Whatever he's saying, he's whispering it, and Effy's just standing there, listening. Looking up at him like the words coming out of his mouth have some meaning.

"Lovebirds," Cook spits out. "Sweet, right?"

Katie frowns at him. "But they're not," she says.

"Yeah? And how do you fucking know?"

It takes her a moment to answer because she's so fucking fixated on Effy's face, at the way she's looking at Freddie, that she can't even think. "Because you two are fucking tossers, yeah, and even a cunt like Effy Stonem can see that."

"Whatever, sweetheart," he says, smiling bitterly. "Our boy's circling again."

"Not fucking _mine_." Katie swallows bile. "And I don't care who she fucks."

"And why the fuck would you?" he asks, nodding at Effy, who's walking towards them, having left Freddie looking miserable and alone by her locker. "Been there and done that, yeah, Eff?"

Effy's gaze settles on Katie for only half a heartbeat before she's looking at Cook with a small, self-satisfied smile that doesn't reach her eyes. "Right. Same goes for you, Cook."

"Right, well, I don't really learn from my mistakes, do I? And you fucking enjoy yours, so who knows?"

Effy crosses her arms, and for a moment, she frowns. When her smile reappears, it's ugly. "Who knows?" she asks, walking away. She doesn't give Katie a second glance.

\--

Effy sends her a text message sometime past six. It's much earlier than they usually get together, but Katie guesses maybe it's one of those things that's got to change, now that they're back in college.

When they meet, halfway between their two houses, Katie says, "I actually meant I wanted to, like, _go out_."

"We can. Later."

Katie shakes her head. "I don't even want to go to your house anymore, really. And, it's too fucking early, Eff. I mean, what if someone sees us?"

"Unless we walk down the street holding hands," Effy replies passively, "I don't see the problem."

Katie grits her teeth and wonders if Effy was born knowing exactly how to get under everyone's skin.

They're nearly at Effy's house before she works up the courage to ask, "What'd Freddie want, then?"

Effy gives her a startled look, then hunches a shoulder. She digs into her pocket and takes out her house key just as they arrive. "Wanted to make sure we're still friends," she finally answers, once they're inside and walking up the stairs.

"And are you?"

Effy's room sometimes feels like a different world.

Effy drops onto her bed and starts undoing her bootlaces. "Yeah, why not?"

"Because he's fucking _in love_ with you," Katie replies. It's a bit angry, and makes her hate she thought to bring up the topic at all.

Effy pulls off her top, starts unbuttoning her trousers. She gazes lazily at Katie and tilts her head when she says, "Does that bother you?"

Katie dutifully keeps her eyes on Effy's face, but Effy's staring at her so smugly, she has to look away. Her gaze finds Effy's chest, unwittingly, before seeking a blank corner of the wall to fix on. It's fucking stupid, because they're going to fuck soon. She is going to fucking _look_. Still, something about really looking, in the light of day, makes Katie's face burn.

She kicks off her shoes and unzips her skirt, tries to sound as uncaring as Effy usually does when she replies, "If you start fucking him again, like, tell me, yeah? I don't do threesomes."

"I don't think I'd ask him to join us," Effy replies, so fucking blandly that Katie starts to laugh.

"Well, good then. Because he was so fucking high all the time, sex was just him basically, like, rolling over and--" She stops when Effy smirks at her. “Of course. It was probably different for you, yeah? I mean, he put some effort into it because you were, like, _making love_ or whatever.”

“What exactly are you jealous of, Katie?” Effy asks quietly.

Katie starts. "I'm not," she blurts. "Who the fuck would I be jealous of? Freddie?" She laughs meanly. "You?"

Effy smiles thinly. "What was I thinking?" she asks, her voice flat. She pulls down her knickers and for a moment, Katie just stares, tracking Effy's movements as she goes to the dresser and picks up a pack of cigarettes. "Aren't you going to finish what you started?"

Like an idiot, Katie looks down her own body; she's still half-dressed, in her top and wearing tights, and she's fucking uncomfortable because, Christ, it's suddenly too clinical. Too fucking detached. She isn't even sure she wants to fuck anymore.

Instead she sits at the edge of the bed and watches Effy smoke. "Do you want to leave?" Effy says. "You wanted to go somewhere."

Katie shrugs. A knot forms in her throat as Effy gets dressed again, quickly, like it makes no difference to her either way. She takes a few languid steps to the middle of her room and picks up Katie's skirt, hands it to her.

She murmurs, "We'll get fucked up, Katie. Don't worry about it."

"Right," Katie replies wanly. "Okay."

\--

They're so fucking wasted that they almost fuck in the middle of the dance floor.

Effy breath is hot on the back of Katie's neck, her arms wrapped tightly around Katie's waist. They've been doing this long enough that they know how to move together. It feels good, being this fucked up. Katie'd forgotten, like, how _fucking good_ it felt, forgetting everything.

Whatever it is they sniffed earlier, it's burning through Katie's veins. She's sweating and she can't catch her breath, and when she feels Effy's lips on her throat, sucking hard, all she can think about is how much she fucking wants this. How Effy's somehow fucking managed to make her feel better than anyone. And worse. So fucking worse.

"God, Effy," she exhales, and she's pretty sure Effy can't hear her. She can barely hear herself, the music's so fucking loud. Her heart _thud thuds_ in time with the bassline.

She's so keyed up, that when Effy palms one of her tits and squeezes, she doesn't fucking care. She grabs Effy's other hand and presses it between her legs, over her skirt. It's so dark she can't imagine anyone can see; maybe they can, when the strobes flicker and wash everything white. She doesn't _care_.

Effy bites her shoulder, hard. "Come on," she says roughly, right up against Katie's ear, wrapping her hand around Katie's forearm. She tugs forcefully, and Katie almost stumbles, laughing as she follows Effy outside.

"What the fuck?" Katie slurs, shivering as the night air hits her body all at once. "Can't we go back to--"

"No," Effy says. "We'll take a taxi back to my house, okay?"

"I don't--" Katie stops, swallows and blinks because she's so dizzy nothing much is making sense. "We don't need to go," she says, pressing right up against Effy, kissing her slowly. "Let's go back inside, yeah? I just want you to fuck me..."

"We can't," Effy says, and she's got to be just as bonked as Katie because her eyes are fucking bright, and such an intense blue Katie can't look at them for very long without feeling like she'll drown.

"Why the fuck not?"

"I saw Cook in there.

“What?” Katie shakes her head, trying to clear her jumbled thoughts. Everything’s running together, and she can’t quite believe what Effy’s saying. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?”

“He didn’t see us.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Katie's legs feel like jelly, so she sits on the curb and puts her head down, hoping the high will wear away soon. "I'm going to toss," she mumbles, her mouth filling with saliva. And then she does, violently, right there on the fucking street.

"Fuck's sake, Katie," Effy says, pulling her hair away from her face within seconds. She puts a hand on Katie's back and starts rubbing, but somehow that only makes Katie feel worse. "Come on, you silly cow. There's a taxi."

\--

The taxi driver has to pull over twice so Katie can vomit.

Her stomach's more or less settled after that, and she spends the rest of the ride with her head on Effy's lap, willing herself not to cry.

"Don't do that," Effy murmurs, when Katie sniffs loudly; her hand is cool on Katie's cheek. "You'll make yourself sick again."

Katie shakes her head, swallowing bile as she runs her own hand roughly across her eyes. She attempts to sit up, but Effy grips her shoulder and stops her.

"Just stay," Effy says firmly. "We're almost there."

"How are you not as fucked up as I am?" Katie asks.

Effy looks down at her, and smiles vaguely. "I get fucked up a lot, Katie." She shrugs. "Maybe I'm used to it."

The taxi hits a hole in the road, bounces roughly, and Katie feels her stomach rebel all over again. "Maybe we should stop, then. The drugs."

Effy sighs. "Thought they helped?"

"I don't know," Katie murmurs sullenly. "Don't know if anything fucking helps anymore."

It takes another five minutes to arrive at Effy's, and they're silent the whole way there.

\--

Effy helps her upstairs; helps her undress. Brings Katie tea and a cold compress, like she's her fucking mother or something.

"Yeah, thanks," Katie says, taking one sip of the tea before burying her face into Effy's pillow. Christ, it smells like her. Katie fucking hates that she knows what Effy _smells like._

Effy lies down beside her--on her back, hands folded over her stomach. She stares up at the ceiling as she asks, "Don't your parents wonder where you go?"

"My parents," Katie replies, "are too busy worrying over Emily, and how fucking _gay_ she is." Effy chortles, and Katie laughs weakly in response. "Yeah, I _know_."

"If you want their attention, you should tell them you're gay, too."

"Jesus, I'm _not gay."_

"All right." Effy smiles. "Tell them you're not picky about your partner's bits and pieces."

"Shut the fuck up," Katie says, mildly. She's so fucking tired, she could sleep for days, weeks. "You're, like, an exception, okay?"

"I'm so honoured."

Katie rolls her eyes. "You should be. I'm fucking fit, yeah?"

"You and I are the best looking ones in this room, Katie," Effy replies.

"God, you're such a bitch."

"And you put up with me anyway." Effy sits up, reaches for the pack of cigarettes on her nightstand. "Why do you think we keep putting up with each other?"

"I don't think about it."

"It's been weeks."

"So what?"

Effy lights her cigarette and takes a deep drag before saying, "So, don't you wonder about it?"

"You've given me a fucking headache," Katie says, because she doesn't want to have this conversation. Like, ever. After a pause, however, she adds, "And, no, I don't wonder. I don't think about you, Effy, and you shouldn't fucking think about me, right?" She inhales noisily, takes another drink of the tea Effy brought her; it's gone cold.

"Right. Whatever."

Somewhere in the room, a mobile vibrates. After a moment, Effy sits up and says, "It's mine," before picking it up off her dresser. She glances at its screen briefly before pressing a button. The vibrating stops.

"Admirer?" Katie asks, and it sounds as it should, sarcastic, but also somewhat pathetic. Katie feels ill.

"One in every port," Effy responds, putting down the phone. It's such an irritating response, that Katie snorts and turns over again, face down on the bed.

She either passes out or falls asleep--she isn't really sure which. When she wakes up, the sun is so bright she can only open her eyes a little bit at a time. It takes a while for her to realize Effy's not in bed with her.

Through a slightly-blurred haze, she sees her standing by the window, smoking. Her hair is wild, and her mascara's smudged. It's how she's looked every morning Katie's ever been with her, but there's something about her demeanor that's positively subdued.

"Did you not sleep?" Katie asks craggily.

"No," Effy replies. "Coffee?"

Katie sits with her head down on the kitchen table before Effy puts a mug off coffee and two aspirin in front of her. "Toast?" she asks, and Katie nods, because maybe she can stomach it.

"Where's your mum?"

"In bed," Effy says. "She might be there all day, for all I know."

"What the fuck's wrong with her, then?"

Effy's response is cold. "Don't ask stupid questions, Katie."

They're quiet for a long while, as Katie takes careful bites of her toast and Effy watches, drinking her coffee.

"Need to go home and fucking change if I'm going to college today," Katie murmurs, half to herself.

Effy surprises her by saying, "Or you could wear something of mine."

Katie laughs. "Yeah, no thanks," she says sarcastically. "Even if I found something that, like, fucking fits and covers my arse, I think it'd be a bit weird, don't you?"

Effy shrugs. "Whatever."

"Mum won't be there, anyway," Katie continues, as if this were something she normally did, have fucking _conversations_ with Effy," but Emily will, and she'll give me shit about coming in so late."

"Why do you care?"

"I don't," Katie says, irritated. "But it's annoying, yeah, and I hate dealing with her when she's being a total prick. Especially when she probably just got in from being, like, gay with Naomi."

"It can't possibly still bother you."

"What?"

"That your sister's gay."

Katie puts down her toast, and drinks her coffee, slowly. It takes her a long time to answer, and by then she thinks maybe Effy's forgotten what they were talking about in the first place. "It's not that she's fucking _gay_ , okay? I mean, it was, kind of, at first. It just..." She stops and hunches her shoulders a bit helplessly. "She changed all at once."

"Did she?" Effy says mildly. "Maybe you just weren't paying attention."

"Ugh, what the fuck do you know?"

Effy smiles and reaches for a pack of cigarettes that was already on the table when they went down for breakfast. She offers a fag to Katie, but Katie shakes her head, makes a face. After she's finished half of one cigarette, Effy drops it into her mug and says, "We don't have to go anywhere. We can stay here for the day."

"And do what?" Katie snaps. "Yeah, sorry, but it's too fucking soon to be missing classes."

"Didn't know you cared about your education."

"I'm rubbish at everything," Katie replies, pushing her chair back as she stands. "But I'd better start somewhere if I'm going to get out of fucking Bristol, right?"

She picks up her purse and jacket, starts to leave without saying good-bye, because she never does, when Effy stops her by saying, "Hey, Katie?"

Katie turns around, prepares herself for some biting remark, but Effy only smiles tentatively--she looks tired, Katie thinks-- and says, "You're not rubbish at everything. Don't think that."

Startled, Katie doesn't know what to say for an entire five seconds. Finally, she responds with, "Right, well, when I fucking figure out what it is I _am_ good at, I'll let you know."

\--

Naomi's sitting on the front steps, smoking, when Katie finally trudges up the drive to her house.

"Christ, what happened to you, then?" Naomi asks, and it kills Katie that there isn't a trace of sarcasm in her words.

She still replies, wearily, "Fuck off."

"Have you not been home?"

" _Fuck off._ "

Naomi snorts softly, flicks the ash off her cigarette. "Hurry, and we'll wait for you."

"Don't fucking bother." Katie fumbles for her keys, but then the door swings open and Emily's pulling her inside, glances at Naomi and waves her in as well.

Briefly, Katie wonders why Naomi was sitting outside at all. She imagines her lurking outside the Fitch house, waiting for their mum to leave for work, and then not even bothering to ring the bell. She's stricken by overwhelming pity suddenly, but then reminds herself that Emily and Naomi are _the happy ones_.

Emily doesn't ask, doesn't make a single comment about Katie's state. Instead, worse, her gaze reveals nothing but hurt--and it's such bullshit Katie's ire returns tenfold.

Emily says, "We're going to be late, so get on with it."

"I don't need you to hold my hand and walk me to college, yeah? Just fucking leave without me."

Emily takes a deep breath, like she's steadying herself. Katie wants to know when the fuck her sister began believing herself in charge. "Just go get ready," she says. "Fuck's sake, we're not leaving without you, Katie."

For a moment, Katie tries to stare them both down, but they don't seem bothered by it. Emily crosses her arms, fucking immovable.

It's amazing, Katie thinks, when she heads into her first class, how much can be said with no words at all. How Emily's parting glance made Katie feel like the worst kind of sister, the worst kind of friend.

Midway through General Studies she gets the urge to vomit again, and she spends the rest of the day with the nurse.

She doesn't see Emily or Naomi again. Doesn't see anyone that matters.

\--

Effy doesn't ring her that night.

\--

On the fourth day of college, she feels a bit better about things in general. JJ sees her in passing and waves, smiles stupidly. She waves back, for once not thinking it matters who sees her do it.

She has lunch with Emily and Naomi. Naomi makes her laugh unexpectedly when she makes a snide remark about Pandora's dress sense.

"Pot, meet the fucking kettle," Katie says, gesturing at Naomi's fucking floral disaster blazer. She's surprised when Emily smiles at her, until she realises it's the first she's spoken to them the entire day. "So, it's okay if I fucking insult her now?"

Naomi rolls her eyes. Emily, infuriatingly, only shrugs.

"You're, like, the most annoying couple. You fucking know that, don't you?"

Naomi smiles rigidly before glancing over at Emily. They exchange a look, and Katie feels herself tense up, because she knows they're up to something. "We're going out tonight," Naomi says.

"What's fucking new about that?"

"We want you to come with us." Emily looks at her with big, hopeful eyes. "We'll go see a film, or something. Unless you've already made plans?"

"Um." Katie balks. She hasn't heard from Effy in well over a day, and it's beginning to bother her in a way she isn't comfortable with at all. It's fucking disturbing, is what it is, because Effy's infiltrated Katie's life so thoroughly that Katie misses her when she isn't around. It's the worst kind of realisation. "Yeah, sure, I'll go. What the fuck, right?"

Emily's face brightens and Katie almost regrets her decision, out of spite.

\--

Effy sends her a text: _Meet me. My house, after college._

Katie hates that there isn't a sodding question mark anywhere in Effy's message. Hates how presumptuous Effy is about everything.

\--

She knocks four times before Effy opens the door and steps aside to let her in. She's wearing a long t -shirt and nothing else. Upstairs, Effy's stereo is playing, like, some really old rock and roll song: _that'll be the day when you make me cry..._

"Hi," Effy says, and kisses her in a way that feels almost familiar but still leaves Katie slightly off-balance. They end up pressed up against the door, snogging heavily. Effy's teeth scrape almost roughly along her lips, and Katie groans, digging her nails into Effy's back through the thin fabric of her shirt.

They go upstairs, undress quickly, efficiently. Effy's gaze is surprisingly hungry, and Katie feels herself blush like it's the first time they've ever fucked.

They tumble into bed and their bodies, like opposing poles on a magnet, meet quickly. Legs tangling, lips pressed together in urgent, stinging kisses.

Effy’s biting into Katie's shoulder when the door to her room swings open.

They pull apart in a flash, but it doesn’t matter much. It’s like Anthea’s got fucking blinders on, or something, because she keeps her gaze focused on Effy and says, “Your bastard father wants his sodding divorce papers signed, finally, and he wants to see you. You and Tony.”

“Mum,” Effy says sternly, crossing her arms over her tits. “Get the fuck out of here.”

“I told him Tony’s at university—like he doesn’t already know that--and you’re probably not in any state--” Anthea blinks, tilts her head a bit until she’s looking directly at Katie. Katie flushes and looks away, awkwardly tugs the sheet up to her neck.

“Oh,” Anthea says vaguely, before directing her attention back to Effy. “About your father—“

“No. _Shut the door,_ Mum.”

When Anthea’s gone and they’re finally alone again, Effy starts laughing. It’s hysterical laughter, bubbling out of her like she can’t even help it.

“Not really fucking funny,” Katie murmurs. She gets out of bed and searches for her knickers, pushing the covers aside until she finds them somewhere near Effy’s feet. She pulls them on and starts looking for the rest of her clothes.

“Come back,” Effy says, instantly sobering. She’s shaking her head slowly, and in her eyes-- God, she looks like she means it, like she really needs this.

Katie shrugs. “I’ve got coursework,” she says, slipping into her skirt. She finds one of her shoes halfway across the room.

“Since when do you care about your fucking coursework?” Effy asks. “Don’t go. Please”

Katie's not sure she's ever heard Effy say the word please before, and if she has, it probably hasn't sounded like this. It probably means she should go--that they're treading on dangerous territory--but instead she shrugs and walks slowly back to the bed.

Effy meets her halfway, wraps an arm around her waist and tugs until they're both falling back onto the bed.

"Lock your fucking door," Katie says.

Effy's response is to kiss her deeply, to lick along the inside of her mouth while her hands work to rid her of her skirt again. "She's won't be back," Effy says, when they're both breathing just a bit faster than normal. When Katie glares at her, Effy sighs and moves quickly to lock the door. "Satisfied?"

Katie pulls her into a hard kiss. "Not yet."

\--

That night, she walks with Emily to the cinema, where they meet Naomi. There's an impatient look on her face as she leans against a wall, smoking and glancing at her watch. When she sees them approach, her face instantly relaxes, and in that moment Katie understands what it is that appeals to Emily. Naomi's gaze is so openly adoring it makes Katie like her, at least momentarily.

They buy tickets to some ridiculous American comedy. Katie sits at the far end of the row, surprised when Naomi scoots in beside her, holding a tub of popcorn. She's even more surprised when Naomi leans in close, and murmurs, "Someone's left a mark on your neck, Katie."

She winks knowingly and turns her attention back to Emily, whispers something to her. Katie loses all interest in the film.

\--

Thomas sends them all a mass text; he's helped organise an underground rave, and they're all invited. He'll get them in-- _friends_ , and Katie snorts at that, _don't pay_.

Emily's almost ready when Katie starts going through her wardrobe for something to wear. She finds a badass top to go with the shortest skirt she owns, and smiles to herself as she lays them out on her bed. "You're going?" Emily asks, like it hadn't even occurred to her.

"Yeah," Katie responds. "I need a night out. Is that so fucking strange, then?"

Emily shakes her head slowly and shrugs. "No, I just wasn't expecting it, that's all." After a moment's pause she adds, "Effy might be there."

"And why should I fucking care?" When she begins applying her mascara, she sees her hand is trembling. She puts it down and sucks in a deep breath, noting with anger the curious look Emily's giving her. "Christ's sake, it's been ages, Ems. When are you going to get over it?"

"When am _I_?" Emily replies. "Fucking hell, Katie, this isn't about me."

Katie smiles sardonically. "About time you realized that, you stupid cow." She shrugs. "You can, like, fucking talk to her, or whatever. I don't care."

"Did she apologise to you?"

"Yeah, sure. She apologised."

" _Really?_ "

Katie sighs dramatically. "Can we, like, stop talking about Effy Stonem, please?"

"She hit you--"

"Over the head with a rock. Right, got it. I was there, okay? It's _my_ fucking problem, Emily."

"Okay," Emily says, a perplexed look on her face. "I'm glad you're going, if that matters."

Katie rolls her eyes. "Of course it matters, you sodding idiot. Now help me find some shoes to go with that top, yeah?"

\--

Emily, Naomi, and Katie arrive together, but everyone else wanders in separately, and it's appropriate really. They haven't seen much of each other since before summer, and Katie's pretty sure the group is fractured beyond repair. It's fine; Katie was never sure why they all insisted on hanging out together anyway. She's got fuck all in common with Thomas and Pandora, and even less than that with JJ.

The first hour, she works steadily on getting drunk but avoids MDMA whenever someone offers. Emily and Naomi fuck off together, but she catches glimpses of them every so often, already off their tits and dancing. Katie dances, too, with whoever bumps up next to her. It's nice, having fun without feeling like she needs to keep it a fucking secret from everyone.

So it's fucking weird, being in a place like this, surrounded by people who know her, and seeing Effy. Out of thin air, almost, she just fucking materialises a few feet away from Katie. She's pressed up against some tall bloke who looks vaguely like Freddie, but couldn't possibly be--

" _Katie_!" Cook's voice manages to penetrate everything. "Let's have a fucking dance, eh, princess?" Katie doesn't know why he's bothered asking; he's already bouncing next to her, his arms are already around her waist, his hands travelling up and down her back. She almost pushes away from him, tells him to fuck off, but then Effy's staring at the two of them together, and it occurs to Katie that she's _jealous_.

Cook kisses her. Like, really fucking kisses her. Slides his tongue wetly into her mouth, and she's so surprised for a moment that she fucking lets him, tasting the cider he's probably been drinking all night long. When she jerks back and glares at him, he slurs, "Not so fucking bad, is it, sweetheart? Another go?"

If Effy weren't watching, Katie thinks she'd fucking slap him. Instead she smiles and shakes her head, digs her nails into his arm hard enough he winces. "You fucking do that again," she murmurs, "and I'll cut your dick off and toss it in the harbour, yeah?"

"Yeah, right," he says, grinning. The sodding fool.

\--

She dances with him quite a bit throughout the night, and when he offers her some MDMA, she fucking takes it.

After that, things are a bit of a blur. Cook's hands are fucking slippery, she knows that, and he's a sloppy, but not terrible, kisser.

Effy disappears at some point, and that's when Katie tells Cook to go find himself a slag, because she's not fucking him tonight, or ever.

"All right," he tells her. "Had fun anyway, you know? Nice fucking tits, Katiekins."

"You're an idiot," she tells him, smiling.

She finds Naomi and Emily snogging in a dark corner, and is immediately reminded of all the nights she's spent in a similar position with Effy, because it's not like they're being nice and loving, or whatever, about it. It's like they're a few moments away from fucking, and the thought of that makes Katie curl her lip in disgust.

"Hey," she shouts at them, and they pull apart slowly, blinking like they're in some kind of fucked up haze. "I'm fucking going home, okay?"

"Okay," Emily responds. "Need my key? You know Mum and Dad and James won't be there, right?"

Katie hadn't known a thing about it, but it doesn't surprise her. She hasn't been paying attention for weeks now. Checking her purse, she waves Emily off and says, "Yeah, I've got it. See you later, yeah?"

"I'm going to Naomi's for the night."

Katie rolls her eyes. "Right," she says. At least some things don't change.

\--

She takes her heels off when she's less than a block from home, because if she doesn't start running for cover she'll be totally soaked. A freak of a late summer storm, but it feels more like winter, it's suddenly so cold. It doesn't help that her fucking skirt is too fucking short, her top a bit too flimsy--but, whatever, she looks mint, her and her tits, and she isn't going to have any immediate regrets about the way she spent her evening.

No regrets, except maybe for Cook. But she's not going to fucking cry over that, because she's sure he's on the top of a lot of girls' list of _What the fuck did I just do with that repulsive tosser?_

She wonders if there's any girl left in their class he hasn't managed to shag. Pandora's the first name that comes to mind, but then Katie remembers that she probably fucked him more times than anyone. The thought is both disgustingly awful and hilarious. Katie likes Panda--she's the only one out of the lot of them that actually, like, _tries_ to be a proper friend sometimes--but some things are just too fucking ridiculous not to laugh about.

By the time she's digging into her purse for her key, Katie's breathless and shivering, running with her eyes fixed on the wet pavement.

It's unbelievably shocking, then, when she finally does looks up and sees her first glimpse of Effy standing by the door. The sight of her--arms wrapped around herself, wearing one of her ridiculous shirt dresses and her leather jacket, looking like a fucking _drowned cat_... Well, it shouldn't, but it makes something--and whatever it is, Katie's going to have to figure out how to be rid of it, or push it down deep enough she can never accidentally find it again--tighten Katie's chest with the kind of concern she's only ever really felt for Emily.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she asks, fumbling with her key a few times before she manages to slide it in the lock. She opens the door and automatically grabs Effy by the elbow, pulling her inside the house.

"I don't really know," Effy replies, and it looks like she can't stop shaking. Jesus, she's fucking leaving a puddle on the rug.

Katie rolls her eyes and says, "Fuck's sake, come on, I'll give you something to wear, yeah?"

And whatever it is that's wrong, whatever the reason Effy was standing in the middle of the storm, waiting outside Katie's house, Effy seems to remember it. She leans heavily against the door and shakes her head slowly. "No," she says. "I don't think so."

Katie all but growls. "Whatever, okay, don't be retarded. You can't just fucking stand there and be tragic and die of, like. Consumption."

"And why not?" Effy has the gall to smile miserably.

"Fucking _hell_ , Effy. Can you talk like a human being for once in your ridiculous life? Just say what you mean, right, because we're not all mind-readers, babe. We're not all, like, fluent in fucking mystery-slut speak."

"I saw you with Cook."

Katie lets out an angry breath and curls her fists. "Christ," she hisses. She adds, more loudly, her voice hard, "So fucking what? As far as I know, I'm allowed to do whatever the fuck I please, yeah? Free country, and all that."

"Acid-fueled sex raves for all?" Effy asks, and it wouldn't be so pathetic, maybe, if she weren't standing in the middle of Katie's house, drenched and shivering.

"Yeah, well, why the fuck not?" she replies sullenly, not even bothering to explain that she hadn't fucked Cook. "Come on. Let's get you out of those clothes, you twat."

"Since you put it nicely," Effy murmurs.

Katie huffs and grabs Effy's hand, tugs until she's following her up the stairs.

"Where's Emily?" Effy asks, sounding monumentally disinterested.

"Where do you think?" Katie retorts, pulling a pair of ancient shorts and a shirt from her dresser. "Would you like knickers as well?" she asks sarcastically.

Effy rolls her eyes and begins undressing, quickly pulling her dress over her head. She isn't wearing a bra, doesn't usually, and Katie stares stupidly.

"Perve," Effy murmurs mildly, snapping Katie's eyes up. Effy's smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. "You really are just like your sister."

Katie snorts, turns to sit on her bed. "Yeah, right. If I were anything like her, I'd be following you around like a lost puppy, yeah?"

Effy sits beside her, holding the clothes Katie's given her. "That would imply you're in love with me, Katie," she says. "And you hate me, so."

"Why are you here?" Katie asks curtly.

"My house was exceedingly loud," Effy replies. It isn't much of an explanation, but then Effy rubs her eyes, like she's trying to keep herself together or something, and Katie understands.

She takes the shirt out of Effy's hands and prompts her to raise her arms, helps her slip into it, because she's trembling and it's ridiculous of her to just sit there, like an idiot. "I'll bring you a towel," Katie says, and goes to the bathroom to retrieve one.

She presses it into Effy's hands but Effy just sits there, looking back at her.

"What's the matter with you?" Katie asks, but her tone is gentle, and she isn't in the mood to fight. She runs the towel through Effy's hair carefully, drying it as best she can. "Do you want to get in the bed?" she asks, and when Effy shoots her a look, shrugs and adds, "No one's coming home tonight."

Effy nods slowly, gets off the bed while Katie pulls back the blanket and motions for her to get in. When she's tucked in, Katie rolls her eyes and says, "Things I never thought I'd see."

"Lots of those lately, right?"

Katie doesn't reply; there's no point. She sits beside Effy for a moment, then thinks _fuck it_ and crawls onto the bed to lie next to her. It's cramped, but Effy doesn't complain. "So, what then?" Katie asks. "Your dad?"

Effy's eyes narrow dangerously. "I'd really rather not," she says. Her expression shifts quickly, though, and she looks like she's one second away from crying. Katie hasn't seen her look this helpless since that day at Panda's pyjama party, when everything started to unravel. ( _She tries not to think of Gobbler's End._ )

Katie sighs softly and begins stroking Effy's hair, pushes it away from the side of her face and leans in closely, pausing only a moment before pressing a kiss to Effy's cheek, then more kisses, down along her jaw.

"What are you doing?" Effy asks, sniffing as she tips her head back and gives Katie the access she wants.

Katie kisses the side of Effy's neck, and it's probably the softest thing she's done with Effy, like, ever. "What's it look like?" she murmurs. "Trying to make you feel better, you sodding idiot." She licks a path to Effy's ear, is almost pleased with herself when Effy makes some kind of startled sound, low in her throat.

"That won't make me feel better," Effy replies, but she doesn't pull away. She turns her head and kisses Katie on the mouth, almost gently. Carefully.

It's Effy's gentleness that makes Katie jerk back, because she isn't used to it, not when they're this, this _sober._

She leans back enough to study Effy's face, looking for signs of things that shouldn't be there. Feelings, whatever. Instead she just notes that the whites of Effy's eyes are slightly pink, like she'd been crying before she even got here, and Katie's chest tightens unexpectedly and her throat seizes, like something's choking her and won't let go.

Effy's gaze flits around the room, as if she can't stand being examined. When it finally settles back on Katie, her entire face crumples. And it only lasts a moment before she lets out a wracking sob that seems to sort her out a bit. She blinks rapidly and clears her throat, and seems... Less like she's going to shatter completely.

"He's a prick, your dad," Katie says quietly, and in that instant she feels what it might've been like to actually be Effy's friend, the way she'd wanted since that first day of college, before it all went massively wrong.

Effy swallows hard before answering; Katie watches her throat working and it makes her incredibly sad. "Yeah." Effy's voice is thick. "Real dildo. But so is she." She releases a pained laugh. "So am I, really."

"Eff, come on."

"I don't think you're one to deny it, Katie."

Katie purses her lips and looks away because she really doesn't have it in her to kick Effy while she's down. And she hates being reminded, hates that Effy's the one reminding her.

Instead she shrugs and shakes her head--what more is there to say--and kisses Effy. Soft, it deepens so slowly Katie's surprised when she finds herself clutching at Effy's back.

For a second she stiffens, realizing what they’re doing, what it _feels like_ , but then Effy whispers something that sounds like, “No, it’s fine,” and they’re kissing again, like there’s no hurry, like Katie’s insides aren’t twisting violently with each sweep of Effy’s tongue.

It's when she feels Effy's fingers brush against her cheek that Katie finally pulls away.

"Um, right," she says, as Effy watches her expectantly. "I think I, I need to have a shower, and to, uh, put on, like, dry clothes, right?"

"Oh," Effy replies slowly. "Sure." She blinks a bit too quickly before closing her eyes altogether and turning onto her side.

"I'll be back," Katie says, as she gets out of the bed and goes to her dresser, pulling out a couple of items without looking too closely.

Effy doesn't say anything, doesn't even open her eyes.

\---

She draws a bath instead, because it'll take longer. She can't stand the raw look on Effy's face, and how it translates to her kisses.

Katie can _taste_ it, and it's too much.

\--

Katie wakes with a start.

There's a hand in the bath water, drawing slow circles along its surface. She can't believe she fucking _fell asleep_.

Katie licks her lips, and looks away from Effy's unreadable stare. Sometimes, when she's in a rage, she feels she could pluck Effy’s eyes out of her face. She's had a dream about it--nightmare. Whatever.

Instead she keeps her gaze on Effy's hand, skimming across the water. It seems to be coming closer and closer to touching Katie's leg, and she tenses up with each slow pass. "Talk," she murmurs, clearing her throat as soon as she hears how fucking hoarse she is.

"About what?" Effy dips her hand beneath the water, and Katie holds her breath until she feels it on her calf, fingers grazing lightly.

"You should've waited. I said I'd be back," she replies unsteadily. She hazards a look at Effy's face, only to find Effy's irritating impassivity is back. When Katie frowns at the sight of it, though, Effy's mouth curves into a soft smile.

"I know," Effy says quietly. She shrugs, raises her hand out of the water and touches Katie's lips. Traces their shape with her wet pinky. "But you fell asleep."

Katie inhales deeply and resists the urge to bite down on Effy's wandering finger. Instead she turns her head to the side and says, "Don't touch me like that."

"Maybe it can be soft,” Effy replies. "You can still hate me, later."

"Yeah?" Katie asks, and she's so tired. She's _so fucking tired_. "What's the point, then?"

It's not anger that flashes across Effy's face, not really. It's like Katie can, for a moment, see the internal workings of Effy's mind, and she sees a glimpse of ambivalence, or maybe even fear, in the way Effy's eyebrows draw together, in the way her mouth turns down, ever slightly, at its corners.

It's only a moment.

Without warning, Effy gets to her feet and climbs into the tub, forcing water to lap over its edges and Katie to sit up so she can crawl in front of her. She doesn't even bother taking off the clothes Katie gave her.

"Fucking--" Katie starts to say, surprised, but Effy's mouth stops her cold.

Katie thought she knew Effy's kisses and all their variations, but this feels different. It's desperate, but not in the way Katie's familiar with--not desperate in the way they kiss when they're keyed up and horny and getting ready to fuck wherever they can. Not like that. It's softer, but somehow more urgent. Like it means something...

Leaning back, Katie says, struggling to catch her breath, "Hey, _no._ "

Effy shakes her head, looks confused for a second. "What?"

"Fucking hell, Eff," Katie exhales. "Not like--"

The next kiss isn't any better, isn't any _less_. Katie's breath hitches, something catches in her throat, and Effy takes the opportunity to palm her tits, but not like-- It's too slow; it's too fucking _gentle_. It just can't be like that again.

Katie grabs Effy's wrists and pulls her hands away, but she's shaking so hard her grip is shit. "I told you to fucking stop, yeah?" She curls her nails into Effy's forearms and wills her to understand.

The front of Effy's shirt is soaked through. "I don't want to fight," she says flatly. "Just-- Not today."

Raising her eyebrows, Katie counters, firmly, "Then don't do this."

The moment Effy's gaze sharpens and she tilts her head, leans forward just enough for her lips to touch Katie's, but not really any more, is the moment Katie's heart skips a beat. She feels it, like it's flopped over in her chest. She needs to breathe, she needs to breathe hard and fast, her lungs are killing her--but she can't let it show.

But then, she thinks Effy's noticed anyway, because her expression’s turned curious. She touches the side of Katie's face, slowly lets her fingers drift across her cheek, down her jaw, then back up to Katie's scar. When Katie starts to turn away again, Effy shakes her head. " _You_ stop, Katie. Stop telling me how to touch you. We're not fucked up right now, okay? This is just us. So, tell me to leave if you want, but don't tell me how to touch you anymore."

Panic settles in Katie's chest, and she isn't sure if it's because of Effy's words or because Effy's started stroking her face, her hair, is leaning in and pressing soft kisses against the side of her neck. "I _can't_ , Eff," Katie says in a quiet rush, but she's stretching into Effy's touch, can't help it. "Why do you--"

"Just for today," Effy whispers against her ear, running her hands along Katie's side, along her ribs until they settle on her tits again. "It's been shit, and I just need something to feel good for once. I don't want it to hurt. Just for today, Katie."

"Then you'll leave me alone?" Katie asks, swallowing hard when Effy's mouth, hot, traces a path down to her chest.

Effy doesn't answer right away. She wraps her arms tightly around Katie, presses her face to Katie's chest and just breathes. For a moment, Katie doesn't know how to respond. She looks down at Effy, whose eyes screwed shut, and it feels too intimate.

"Yeah, sure," Effy finally murmurs, her mouth moving over Katie's breast.

It isn't until she's tilted her head and wrapped her lips around Katie's nipple, that Katie returns the embrace, slides her fingers through Effy's ridiculously wild hair, strokes through it mindful of knots. She closes her eyes when she feels Effy's tongue swirl lazily around her nipple, like they have all the time in the world to do just this.

"Effy," she whispers, when Effy splays her hand across her other tit, starts rubbing in equal measure to the sucking motions of her mouth.

Effy leans back for a moment; her lips are wet, her eyes heavy-lidded. "You don't have to say anything," she says, her voice low.

"I know," Katie replies. She hasn't stopped stroking Effy's hair, smoothing it down. She wants to say _I'm sorry_ , but the word sticks in her throat. Instead she says, "I didn't mean to," even though she's not sure what it is she didn't mean to do. She tips her head back, because her chest tightens painfully, her throat closes up, and fuck she doesn't want to cry.

Effy only nods; doesn't even ask what Katie's really saying . She just nods, her jaw clenched. Raises up slightly, puts her hand on the back of Katie's neck and kisses her.

Katie doesn't know where it comes from, but as soon as she feels Effy's lips connect with her own, she lets loose a whimper that makes her sound so broken, she's almost ashamed enough to want to run again. Instead, she wraps her arms around Effy's back and bends into the kiss. It's so slow, and makes her ache so deeply that she can't ever in her life remember feeling this frightened of anything. Her chest is on fire and Effy's hardly touching her at all.

"We should," she says roughly, when Effy begins pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses along her chest, "go back to my room..."

Effy makes a sound and stands up quickly, dripping water as she steps out of the tub and pulls off her drenched clothes in two quick movements.

Katie's mouth goes dry and the first thing she thinks is, _It isn't normal._ Immediately she pushes the thought away, because it doesn't matter, normal. She wouldn't even know where to fucking _look_ to find _normal._ So when Effy holds her hand out, Katie takes it.

They don't take more than two steps towards the door when they start kissing again, and Katie can't even remember who initiated it, but thinks maybe it was her. That maybe she tugged on Effy's arm and pulled her back so that she stumbled into Katie. And they hold each other, fingers seeking purchase on slippery wet skin, and kiss deeply.

When they're just outside the door to her room, Katie pushes Effy against the wall and kisses again, this time so forcefully she can feel the groan that works out of Effy's chest. "Katie," she whispers, and it isn't a warning, but Katie feels the need to shake her head to respond, because she's dazed too:

"I know, I just... I just fucking wanted to." Because she does. Sometimes she sees Effy and is consumed by the need to _take_ , and always, always she feels sick about it, because they should never have started this; it isn't right. Only right has nothing to do with them.

Katie slides her fingers along Effy's tit, hears Effy's rough exhalation before she's pulled into the room.

Effy walks Katie backwards towards the bed, the expression on her face so serious, Katie balks exactly once before pushing her down onto the mattress. Effy's look of surprise fades quickly, and then she smiles. It's a tentative, fragile smile, but it's enough.

They lie next to each other and kiss slowly, just as they had before Katie ran away; but slow doesn't mean it’s any safer. Katie's heart is still thumping hard in her chest. She hopes Effy can't hear it.

Instead, she murmurs, "I'm fucking cold," and they pull apart long enough to pull the blanket over themselves before Effy shifts and half-settles on top of Katie's body.

Katie shivers in a way that has nothing to do with being cold.

Katie isn't sure how Effy's done it, how it's possible at all that kisses can be both tender and filthy hot, but _Christ,_ Katie can feel each stroke of Effy's tongue down to her toes. The throbbing in her cunt is almost uncomfortable, it's so strong. "Effy," she whispers, her voice choked as she takes Effy's hand and presses it between her legs.

For a moment, Effy kisses her hard and does just what Katie's asked for. Slips her fingers along Katie's cunt, strokes firmly before she stops entirely, leaving Katie a quaking mess.

"Fucking hell," Katie groans.

"If it's the last time," Effy says, bringing her index and middle fingers to her mouth, sucking on them slowly, "maybe we should make it count." Effy's voice is carefully even, but her face is open and there's something almost helpless about the way she staring down at Katie; like she needs permission but doesn't want to ask.

Katie clears her throat, looks up at the ceiling as she answers. "Right," she says. "Yeah." Nods wanly because words are sort of beside the point anyway, especially when Effy dips her head and draws Katie's nipple into her mouth.

Somewhere in the middle of it, as Effy's clever tongue is working in circles and drawing pained exhalations from Katie's lungs, Katie notes, and it's fucking her up, thinking about it, that she's never, ever had sex like this before. This, where her insides feel like they've liquefied and she can't catch her breath even though she isn't doing much more than holding onto Effy's shoulders.

It's almost too fucking much, when Effy just switches off to her other breast and starts the process all over again, palming the tit she just abandoned, left aching. Katie aches all over; feels like she might come just from this, but _can't_. It feels like an endless tease, and she doesn't know if Effy's doing it purposefully--keeping her on the edge of falling apart.

"Eff," she whimpers, tugging a bit on Effy's hair.

Effy looks up at her with wild eyes. "What?"

"Kiss me, yeah?"

It takes a moment. Effy blinks at her stupidly, then moves a bit until she's kissing Katie deeply, hungrily, her fingers tangling in Katie's hair, and it's almost a relief, like something's finally shifted between them and maybe Effy will get to the business of fucking her properly.

It's a fleeting thought, because soon Effy's relaxed into the kiss and what starts as impatience ends with heavy snogging that seems to go on for a very long time. Katie's lips feel almost bruised by the end of it, but it's nothing she cares about, not when Effy's hands are wandering over her body, slowly stroking along her back and then the front of her torso. When Effy finally, finally starts kissing her way down, presses her mouth, hot and wet and promising, to Katie's stomach, Katie feels her eyes roll back in her head. It shouldn't feel so fucking good, but it does.

She wants to say "Get on with it," or something that'll snap Effy into action, because it's almost to the point of torture, but then Effy glances up at her as she skates cool fingers along the inside of Katie's thigh until their dipping inside of her, and says, "I just want to put my mouth on you, Katie." And her voice, it's so ragged and low, and she looks so much like she fucking _means_ it, that Katie's chest hitches at the sound of it.

Licking her lips, she puts her hand to her face, because Effy's eyes are devastating, always, and she can't stand to watch, and croaks, "Good, then just fucking do it," but she doesn't sound like she's in a position to demand anything. She sounds so weak and pliant, it's fucking awful. It's even worse when, instead of doing what she promised, Effy scoots back up and kisses Katie again, so nicely that Katie feels like she's just been sucker punched.

"Fuck's sake," she manages to say, "I want--"

Effy interrupts with another kiss, a better kiss. One with lots of tongue and even a bit of teeth; Katie finds herself straining up into Effy's body, jerks when she feels Effy's hand against her cunt again, two of Effy's long, slim fingers sliding into her, curling up in just the right way. "I know," Effy whispers. "I can feel it."

They kiss again, but Katie can't concentrate on anything more than the way Effy's fingers are moving, so it's sloppy--just their lips brushing together every few seconds.

It's only when Katie's breathing grows more labored, when her whimpers start to run together, that Effy shifts back, settling between Katie's legs with a shaky sigh. There isn't anything tentative about that first stroke of her tongue along Katie's cunt, and one of Katie's legs spasms in conjunction with her loud gasp. " _Fuck_ ," she says, putting her hands over her face as she cants her hips up into Effy's mouth. Effy licks slowly but deliberately, the flat of her tongue brushing over Katie's clit again and again until she stops abruptly and says, "Katie, watch," forcing Katie to uncover her face, to look down at Effy and her eyes and her wet mouth and her tongue.

She comes so hard the back of her eyes burn, and she has to blink away unexpected moisture as she takes in one uneven breath after another.

\--

She isn't sure what time it is--sometime before dawn, because it's still dark out--when she wakes up again.

Effy's lying next to her. It's a tight fit on Katie's tiny bed, but they've managed to fuck _and_ fall asleep, so it's not so awful.

Katie starts to sit up awkwardly, but Effy puts her hand out, touches her shoulder. "Stay," she says quietly.

"You'll have more room if I sleep on Emily's bed, yeah? You look like you could use the rest."

Effy shakes her head. "Just...stay?"

With a sigh, Katie settles back onto the bed, lying on her side so Effy can press closer. There's something wrong about the way it feels so fucking natural.

Katie ignores the thought, even when Effy puts an arm around her. The last thing she feels before she falls asleep are Effy's lips, warm on her shoulder.

\--

In the morning, Katie makes tea.

Effy showers and dresses in her own clothes, and is very quiet when she comes down to the kitchen. She glances at Katie only briefly as she sits down at the table and says, "Sorry about last night. About just showing up the way I did, I mean."

Katie frowns. "Yeah, whatever." She clears her throat and brings Effy toast. "It's fine. Listen, I don't know when my sister's coming home, so--"

"Oh," Effy interrupts. "Right. I meant to tell you, but--"

"But what?"

"She came home last night." Effy shrugs and takes a dainty bite from her toast. "While you were in the bath."

Katie's eyes widen, and for a moment she can't catch her breath. "She fucking _what?_ "

"She found me in your bed. I think I scared her. Then Naomi came in and... I'm surprised you slept through it all."

"What the--" Katie takes several deep breaths. "What the fuck did you tell her, Effy?"

"I told her we're fucking," Effy says coldly. "What the fuck do you think I told her?"

"Fucking _hell_ ," Katie replies, "can you take this seriously for one fucking moment? I mean, Christ, just because you don't care about anything doesn't mean--"

Effy interrupts. "I told her that I'd been locked out of my house. I told her we're friends again, okay?"

"And she, like, _believed_ you?"

"I didn't really think to ask. That might've given us away, don't you think?"

"Jesus."

"Calm down, Katie."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down, Eff."

"Right," Effy replies slowly, deliberately. "Unless she were to actually see us, do you honestly think Emily would ever believe we're fucking?" She takes a drink of tea and says, after a protracted pause, "Anyway, it's over now, isn't it?"

Effy's words cut through much of Katie's anger. She stops pacing and opens her mouth to say something, maybe even something mean, but can't quite think anything. "Oh," she says stupidly, to which Effy rolls her eyes.

"Isn't that what you wanted? For me to leave you alone?"

Katie nods. "Obviously," she whispers thickly, though she can't really think of why she said it now, other than she was scared out of her fucking mind.

Effy gets out of her chair. She looks ambivalent for a moment, then takes a few measured steps in Katie's direction. She says, "Maybe we can be friends this time around."

"Do you think so?" Katie asks, but Effy only shrugs in response.

Instead, she runs her fingers through her hair and says, "I'm going home," before pressing a kiss to Katie's cheek. Katie has the irrational desire to tilt her head, to turn it into a real kiss, but that's not where things are going. "I'll see you, yeah?"

Katie nods and watches as Effy turns and heads out the door.

It's not like this is a fucking _breakup_. They were never a couple to begin with. So then, Katie thinks, as she empties her tea in the sink and bends over it, taking in one shuddering breath after another until she can't control the tightness in her chest, until she's fucking _crying--_ why does it hurt so much?


End file.
